gratitude, mental health, trauma

Update… it’s a biggie.

So, I suppose an update is in order.

Amidst all the chaos and pain and trauma and horror there have been little rays of Sunshine which have helped us see through all that darkness. It took months to be able to feel the good again. Even though positive things were happening, because of the fire and the associated trauma and grief and PTSD I found myself unable to feel them. I knew they happened, but it was almost like I experienced them from the outside rather than as an active participant. It’s really only been the last month and a bit where I have regained a lot of my emotional range, it’s still blunted by everything we have been through, but some sense of normalcy even in completely not normal times is somehow filtering through.

I was accepted to my first choice PhD program: the interdisciplinary NRES at the University of Northern British Columbia.

I finished my thesis – two of them actually. Two vastly different works. I successfully defended version 2.0, and finished my Masters in Environmental Education and Communication.

We found a place to settle out in Prince George – where the rental market is mind blowingly competitive and expensive right now.

And the kiddo and I are about half way packed for our cross country trip out to BC… we leave in four days. Which is utterly overwhelming in every possible way. And yes, my constant state is one of panic and anxiety in spite of store bought stabilizers which my body can’t produce on its own. But I know it will be good once we are there, I know we will finally be able to breathe.

Everywhere I look, everywhere I go in Saskatoon I am reminded of the life we had and all we lost in the fire. Nothing here feels like home any more. It’s been six months and so much of our lives still feels like a waking nightmare. But there are things to celebrate. There are good things happening. And I choose gratitude, every time I will choose gratitude. It’s who I am.

The kiddo and I; he is playfully teasing me about my height, because yes, by the time he was twelve he had outpaced me and had an inch on me. Now at fourteen he is decidedly taller than my measly 5’0”. The photograph has us outside, posing close and displaying affection, masks on, the boy’s hand above my head, measuring my lack of height.

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